Goodbye Windows

Ten months ago I proudly posted a photo on Facebook of my new office, one of the few perimeter wall offices with not one, but two windows to the outside world. My face reflected back at me from the glossy cherry desk which boasted more workspace than my kitchen counter tops and more storage than my house. And there was a door - a gloriously opaque door with a lock to boot. This was the icing on the cake of a title and a direct report to the CEO.

Wow. Not yet thirty and I have moved up quickly in my company to a point where some twice my age dream to be. That’s fantastic, right? That’s the grand plan for us all. This is the reason I double-majored and then got an MBA. I have arrived. I am business woman, hear me roar! At this point, I can say I am successful. When do the 2.5 kids arrive?

Today I said goodbye to my windows, pulled my paintings off the wall, filled three small boxes (in the digital age, who can fill so many filing drawers and cabinets as that desk had anyway?), and rolled my chair down to the other side of the building and my new workspace – a cubicle in a shared cube block. And I’ve never been so proud of myself and excited.



(I had more stuff when I moved in than when I left...thank you minimalism!)



You see, I’ve been on a trajectory I devised for myself in all my infinite wisdom around the age of 15. That sounds ridiculous now. In recent years, blind devotion to “the plan” has left my body worn and malfunctioning and my soul as empty as those ridiculous cherry desk drawers. So just before Christmas, I made up my mind to let go of the fear, let go of the ‘what if’, unleash myself from a suffocating plan, stand up to a stressful work environment, and make a step towards a healthier mind, body and soul. I sat down to tell the CEO that it would be in the best interest of my personal health and the health of the project I was assigned to, if I were to pursue other opportunities. For reasons I will not divulge now, that was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. And I have now been reassigned to another department.

I have chosen not to share my true reasoning for changing roles to my co-workers. Some know part of the reason, most have been told that this is “an opportunity better suited to me at this time” – the diluted truth. Some appear to think it a promotion based on their lavish congratulations, and others have given me the “you gave it a good go” speech, aka “there’s no shame in failing.” I’m okay to let them all believe anything they like.

I won’t say I haven’t questioned myself a time or two over the last month. But luckily there are ridiculous days like today that reinforce my decision was the right one. And the evidence in a healthier body has already begun to present itself.

But you know what? Even if it turns out to be the ‘wrong’ move, I still will. I can still be proud that I overcame the fear of making a move…any move. No longer am I standing still, frozen by fear, compromising my body and mind. And I have taken another step in breaking free of the societal definitions of success and happiness. An office is not a measure of success, it doesn’t garner respect, and it certainly doesn’t mean diddly squat at the end of your life.

This is hardly my final destination, but a critical layover in my quest to improve my life and live it to the absolute fullest and healthiest. So I say bravo me!

goFearless!

p.s. I actually will miss the sunshine.

goBe 2013 Resolutions

When it comes to resolutions, I’m generally in the avoidance category. If I don’t make a resolution, I can’t fail. I pass off the tradition as clichéd and counterproductive to real change for a large portion of the population – after all, if we see a need for change in our lives we should make it immediately, not wait for the prescribed time for resolutions. But I find I still secretly make resolutions, throughout the year and during the prescribed time. Perhaps it’s just the embarrassment of failing in front of others I’m avoiding and fearful of. If I don’t announce my resolution, there is no accountability, and no one to see my efforts fade away with the passing months. It’s the proverbial tree falling in the forest. My guess is I’m not the only person with an entire downed forest stashed away on a hidden tract.

I’ve always feared failure. I believe it is part of our human nature to an extent for self-preservation. But it can quickly take over a life if not put in check. More recently, I have been challenging the hold of fear on my life; so I’m taking another step by announcing my ‘secret’ resolution for this year.

It may seem like a simple resolution because it’s loosely defined but I assure you it is a mountain to climb. It’s not to work out X number of days, lose X number of pounds, write X number of blogs, or any other quantifiable measure. It’s probably a value that many people already live their life by – I am abashedly jealous of those folks. But for me, it will be a challenge.

I resolve to each day take a step towards being an improved version of me.

There, I’ve published it.

Each day, that step may be different. It may simply be preventing a step backwards. But I want to live a life of constant improvement and learning. Not so that I can dominate anything or be the best of anyone, but so that I can find the true me and enjoy this life. I want to further and fully embrace the spirit in which I developed goBe. To-date it has been like a fantasy, a dream, so vivid in sleep but spotty and surreal in the waking hours.

I’ve put a post-it note of key words on my computer at work as a reminder to myself of my resolution. Each morning, I’ll state to myself what I did in the previous day towards adding value to my being.

Will you also goBe fearless in creating and pursuing your resolutions?